let's get naked

Facing Brokenness in Motherhood: Worth

I’m about to get REAL naked with y’all, but that’s appropriate for this blog to be authentic right? Right. Ok cool.

So here we go.

Sometimes I am bummed when it’s bedtime. Don’t get me wrong, I always welcome when it’s time to put the kid down and try to unwind, but because my job is my home, it can leave me feeling like I don’t deserve to. I’m three weeks postpartum so doing basic things is really hard for me. Chasing my awesome but very tiring two year old is challenging enough and now I have a newborn so the transition is out of this world.

When Hubby gets home and it’s time to reconnect but we all still need to eat and dishes need to be washed and clothes laundered and kids bathed it’s just overwhelms me so quickly. The thing about staying at home is that the majority of what you do is not quantified in pay or being able to say you completed this big project. It’s a billion tiny things that even you forget you have done by the end of the day. So I pout about how early I get tired and internally fight anger and frustrated when we’re invited to stuff last minute or things that start at our kid’s bedtime.

The most frustrating thing to me is that I KNOW that one of the reasons that society pits moms against each other is because we have wisdom for one another. We each have gems for the other, but the enemy knows that the power that comes from unity defeats him and so he plants seeds of division and jealousy and leaves it to us to help them grow. Times like this feel lonely and it sucks to need someone and they feel just out of reach. But that’s what division does. It keeps us just far enough apart to where it looks like we’re all fine but close enough to know we need some of what they got.

I will be honest that on days like this I feel like a bad mom for wishing I could quantify my worth with a paycheck. I feel wrong for fantasizing about days when I have kids old enough to be in school. I feel like a weak woman for having to put certain things on the back burner so the immediate needs can be met. I feel unseen because people can’t always understand what I’m feeling and people I want to be around just aren’t around sometimes. I feel like a bum of a creative when I didn’t do anything to push toward my dream today or hone my craft. I feel so many things that don’t feel fair and can’t be joked or even cried away.

On days like today, I’m fighting back tears because the day is over and I’m tired but I feel like I should have done a billion more little things. On days like this, I’m reminded to not believe the hype in these IG memes about your worth coming from your hustle or your own power. I can’t fix myself. I can’t create own destiny. Some days as much as you rise and grind you don’t feel complete because of it. You have to take some days off. No one will ever have it all together and I’m the first to admit I’m not even close. I need Jesus. I need to remember him and study him closer and abide in that truth more than I do my feelings.

Vulnerability is an area God has called me to be a champion in, yet most of the time I’m a scrub when it’s time to really go there and get real. At the end of days like this if no other person is there to encourage, or pat me on the back or whatever, I know that the ultimate purpose is to endure. The joy that is to come is greater than anything that may knock me down emotionally, mentally, physically or even spiritually today. Jesus isn’t the addition, the sprinkle on top of our flawed moral code, the thing that gets us over the hump, or just helps us out in hard times. Jesus is the Sustainer of Life. If we can radically trust and abide in Him, we approach our lives with an appropriate perspective knowing the most perfectly put together home, most well behaved kids, most fulfilling relationships are still nothing in comparison to truly knowing God.

I’m confident that I know a God who both understands and cares about the pressure I feel yet is powerful and gracious enough to show me how to hand it over to him and rest in knowing that he alone is faithful.