A couple hours after my mother had passed away, I remember sitting at the dining room table. I was completely numb and staring blankly out the window. I was home alone, and my friend was on her way to come pick me up, because she […]
Month: April 2018
Deal (noun): an agreement entered into by two or more parties for their mutual benefit, especially in a business or political context. Before writing this article I never believed in bargaining. I’ve always been a “make it or break it deal” kind of woman. So […]
A heartache happened in my life recently. Almost two years ago my husband and I were presented with an awesome opportunity that would have moved us out of the great state of Texas and into some amazing things. We put all the eggs we had into this basket and often were giddy with excitement in our conversations about this possible transition. I can admit now with surety that we were doing more planning and running after our dreams than after God’s purpose for us. I can also say that this opportunity even if we chose it would not have been “bad” even though we know our hearts were not entirely in the right place when we had the desire to go. Soon after all these plans, we found out we were pregnant. And everything screeched to a halt.
This baby changed the game. He caused us to consider more than what was in front of us. See before we were presented with this awesome chance to move and pursue some dreams we had, we had felt a little stuck. We weren’t sure which way things were supposed to be going and there was some discontentment in our hearts that we figured would have been remedied by the decision to go! I felt that an opportunity would never come around like this again. I would have the chance to work alongside some of the most dynamic people I knew and learn from them. For whatever reason they believed in me and were excited to have me on their team so I figured nothing was more important. That’s how much I hoped in it.
I was almost afraid to ask God for a go ahead because what if he said “no”… or worse, “not now”. Well God used our child to slow our pace. We got a firm “not now” from God and I have to say it broke my heart. That sadness soon turned to depression, feeling like there a void where passion used to be. If you have ever shown a child a delicious dessert then told them to wait until after dinner you know what kind of frustration I was feeling. I started to protest in pain, “If I can’t do this… who do I become?” I correlated my gifts with my identity. If I wasn’t doing A, B, and C then who does that make me?
That makes me a daughter and that’s something I cannot control. My realization may sound great to some people, but for me it came with so much brokenness and ambiguity. It made me it hurt having to deal with my junk. I started to see into the abyss called my sin and it scared me and made me emotions spiral. It meant that nothing I did really saved me or anyone else. I didn’t trust that God would really take care of me if I relinquished full control to Him. I didn’t believe Him, so He had to show me by force.
After I had my son, I had to have my gallbladder removed cause I was having gallbladder attacks every few days for a couple months. Then, I was sick with sinus stuff for about a month plus, and after powering through, all my striving and stress (from still trying to be a busy body) came to a head this past December when I got sick AGAIN and developed a huge swollen lymph node in my neck that sent me to the ER. I had a biopsy and they thought it was cancer (thank God it was not). I had a traumatizing tooth extraction, and was in and out of the hospital and ER for two plus months. In the times where my husband had to go to work and couldn’t be with me, and mom was swamped with work as well, it was my dad who was staying with my son, or taking me to appointments or just being present.
At the time he didn’t have a job, but I think God in his sovereignty was putting him to work on a heavenly assignment. Even though to him he was just doing what a dad does taking their sick child to the doctor, to me it was breaking me of my perfectionism and my performance idols. To him he was just giving me forehead kisses cause he loves me, but to me I felt the nearness of my heavenly Father breaking me in His grace from the idea that I can do anything to make him love me more.
I had no choice in these instances but to rest, be still, let people like my dad, my mom, husband and best friend care for me. I couldn’t do everything myself -there was a period I couldn’t even pick my son up by myself. God started to melt my feelings of depression into submission. I could only think about how faithful God still is when I want to be so much more than “JUST” a daughter.
I thought I was strong but I’m really fragile, easily crushed. But God dips this broken vessel in gold to fortify me.
So this process, this ongoing, painful heartache filled process goes on. I still struggle with knowing what I’m supposed to do, but I am no longer confused on whose I am. I may grieve the woman I thought I was, but I rejoice in the woman that God is making me to be. The woman he calls me to be is far more fearless, kind, patient and willing than any I could conjure up myself. Even though it may cost me all of my comfort and control, I want to choose to run after my heavenly Father with all the fight and ferocity with which he comes after me with.
Let the old pass away, for the new is coming.
Written By: Calah Jackson
This month’s umbrella topic at Naked Mom’s Blog is about grief and I am going to kick things off talking about my husband’s and I experience of grieving our inability to remain sexually pure during our dating-relationship and our denial that that mistake would […]